Possession
by Ikaaro
Summary: Bored and unable to sleep, Meroko ponders faults in herself and thoughts. First person POV.


Disclaimer: I do not own Full Moon wo Sagashite. It's a series I'd forgotten about until recently, so just a little drabble/one shot/whatever you kids call it these days. Meroko's point of view, angsty, mentions of Meroko/Izumi.

**Possession**

Everyone is sleeping. Everyone but me. I went to the roof to think, but there are no stars tonight. Only clouds, and wind. Maybe it'll rain in the morning. That's only in a few hours and I'm so tired. But I can't sleep. I feel restless.

With a sigh I stare at the ceiling. Mitsuki's so quiet, so cute. I'm envious of her innocence and feel guilty for both the thought, and the knowledge of how hard it will be to take her away. Takuto is snoring and I feel the urge to hit him, but I don't have the energy and it's not worth the fight. Worth the fight…I don't like that line, because with my job sometimes no matter what the charge does it's never worth it in the end. Nothing will change fate. What's the measure of life anyway?

Some people like to have things. Others like to give them. And there's some who don't like anything, not once, not at all. Greedy people. Selfish people. Sometimes crazy people who live their lives waiting for something spectacular that never occurs. Life to me isn't about how you live…your real fate is determined by how you die.

I don't like thinking about that either. My fate was determined by my death, which wasn't really a death at all, rather, suicide, because how would I be a shinigami otherwise? What a sick, cruel force decides the world and how it is. Everyone in my situation was in pain, otherwise why? It's not fair. Just a song on repeat. Same situation, same dialogue…over, and over again.

I close my eyes and feel no warmth from inside me. Not that I'm alive, sometimes I wonder if Takuto and I are really real. If we really exist. But right now I feel so cold, on the inside, even though I'm warm and comfortable on the outside. My fingertips are the worst…they're not warm at all, not like the rest of me. I'm good at lying to myself, just not other people. Funny usually someone's problem with lying is the other way around. I wish I could believe my lies still. I wish I could pretend just to myself that everything is okay with him and that I don't hate him anymore. I wish my hands weren't so cold. I wish I was alive again. I want something to fight for.

_Maybe I should play a game_, I tell myself. _If, you, __Meroko__, were human, what would you do with yourself?_

Maybe…maybe I would go to public school. Because I can't miss out on being a teenager. I would wear cute clothes. Cute like Mitsuki, but definitely flirty. Maybe I would cut my hair and change my style from time to time. In my head I draw the image of a modern Meroko. Pink hair? Yes. I like pink. Maybe I would try black, or blonde…blonde works for Mitsuki as Full Moon. Light blonde, brown-blonde, or Izumi-blonde?

My eyes shoot open quickly and I glance around, feeling guilty over that thought too. As if anyone here can hear my thoughts! Hah! But the thought put in an image in my mind that, no matter if my eyes were open or not I saw him. Gold hair, gold eyes. Smirk. Yellow and black, like a bumblebee. Cruel. Soft hands.

If I could be human again, he wouldn't be an issue. I bet he would be easier to let go. In fact because I wouldn't be stuck, forever, in the same image with the same people, it would be so much easier. There would be so many other options. I could date an indie rock boy and have a group of friends who hate him.

But I'm not human and I can't have these things. I can't fall asleep out of exhaustion, and I can't really meet new people all the time. I don't have a cool boyfriend and I don't really have any friends. Not really. Not ones that know the real Meroko, in all her selfish jealousy-consumed hate for herself.

I close my eyes again and wash Izumi's face away with a sigh. If I was human, Izumi, there would be a lot of things I would tell you that I won't know.

Go away.We're over.I don't like the way you are.You hurt me.I deserve better.

I illustrate the scene for my dream. Wearing my highschool uniform, a phone in one hand and friends around me, I would say, "Call me!" and know that I never mean to pick up the phone, he'll know he's not supposed to call, and that would be that. If I was alive again, I would never give time to dwell. But I'm not alive. So when he calls I'll answer the phone. When he kisses me, I'll kiss back. I'll respond to his fingertips, much colder than mine…I'll answer his questions and fall for him over and over again. Because I'm not alive, I'll never tell him to go away.

What he has over me, is all I'll ever have. This is my identity. My fate was determined by my death. I screwed up the first time being human, and I'm not getting a second chance.

I close my eyes. The future has nothing; I'll never be free. But I still can't sleep. The rain pounds and laughs at me. At this. This possession, my cold hands, his smirk and my weak, dead heart –for Meroko, there is no peace.


End file.
